Critique my FB message template

Hello Gentlemen.

I'm doing some very basic social media marketing for a student club I'm starting at my university.

I have a FB group page with a professional info video designed to inspire audience to join the club.

I'm directing traffic to our group page by finding prospects that go to my school and sending them a personal message telling them about the club with a link to the group page.

I want your critique on my message. This is obviously the first thing they see and I've found that...

Critique my FB message template

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